Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


Hello August

My birthday month has begun, I’ll be 51 towards the end of the month. A number that feels weird, I never thought about being this age. Part of me just couldn’t visualize it, perhaps even doubted I’d live this long.

I’m planning some days off, maybe we’ll even drive to the beach on one of those days. Maybe we’ll just have a picnic in the yard.

Given that we’re back to 1000+ deaths a day from COVID-19, we might not want to chance driving far.

We’ve already wondered once or twice if this will be the year no one comes for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Meanwhile the ghouls running the country continue to try and destroy healthcare and the postal service because people need to vote by mail.

I’m grateful for more carrots and cucumbers from our garden. Especially carrots that look like they desperately need the loo.


Shopping Lessons

Motorcycle helmets are not masks.

Masks go OVER the nose. Always.

If you can't talk on your phone with a mask on, go outside to talk on your phone. Consider texting only.

Be aware of the queue. Don't jump ahead to a cashier.

Have a list and a plan.

Get extras.

Be fully present and grateful to all staff.

Be quick.

I encountered all of the top four entries on my list today. American Exceptionalism and capitalism have failed.

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Good News, Anxiety

I heard back from my doctor this morning in response to my letter. I have her permission to continue to explore Intuitive Eating and stop reading, and obsessing about, the saturated fat numbers on all food I consume.

I realized after reading her response that I'd be holding my breath with anxiety this whole time. I was giddy with relief as I started to teach, so I shared that and then did a meditation on the sensations of gratitude and relief in the body.

I've spent much of the day feeling anxious. Being seen, valued, and having my needs met in this way feels good, but also leaves me feeling unsettled. As though my brain can't distinguish between happy excitement and certain dread.

Tomorrow I'll practice really celebrating that I have more good happening with my health even if I've lousy genetics. I'm really grateful for our doctor.


Anger / Depression

When I realize I’m beating myself up I’m trying to pause and acknowledge my anger. Not validate that I’m being hard on myself, unreasonable, but that I’m experiencing anger.

I acknowledge there’s so much to be angry about right now, how helpless I feel, and how ineffectual my efforts seem. I remind myself that directing the anger inward doesn’t resolve it.

I’m trying to learn to integrate my anger. What a hard lesson this is for someone who was forbidden from showing anger.

Today I'm especially grateful for the surprise of art in the mail from a beloved friend. It helped a lot with today's anger. I'm inspired to send out mail tomorrow.


Boxing, Who Knew

Including the demo days, I've been doing 10-15 minutes of boxing with our Switch for a week now. Although I still feel awkward, it isn't as uncoordinated as I feel trying to doing dance moves.

I'm trying to use my whole body, it is all very different from the yoga movement. I'm surprised to find how good it feels to punch.

New shoes arrived today. Improved all activities and I like hour they look too!


Mean Monday

Today's been one of those days where I feel like I'm not doing anything right. Doesn't matter what things I got done today, I didn't do enough, or well enough, or the right things, or...

It slowly built up over the day until I felt miserable. It makes everything feel fragile. The slightest thing results in feeling like a fuck up.

For example, for some reason I started brushing my teeth before flossing tonight. Not the order I was taught multiple times, not what I usually do, but there I was, brushing.

My brain, "You idiot! How could you fuck up flossing?!"

Then I did some boxing. Ducking is hard!

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I’m getting better about setting boundaries, it’s a journey to learn this since my Mother raised me to have none. It goes along with learning to acknowledge my own needs as important.

It feels like boundaries are easier. Having needs, putting myself on my to-do list feels like more of a struggle. Granted, since I fundamentally struggle with feeling unworthy, it kind of makes sense that seeing my needs as worthy world be hard.

Today I told someone to wear their mask correctly and to keep their distance because they kept standing close to me at the market. Another white man, they have been the worst. He even fake lunged toward me and I told to stop joking around. I then finished conducting my business.

Boxing practice felt pretty good after that. Is joked online I'd picture the guy as my targets. Really I just thought about all the selfish people being jerks about masks and distancing.

I'm grateful to finally get a few blueberries from the middle season plant. The birds have been getting them, all of the early season ones!


Throwing Punches

I'm enjoying the boxing game even more at I get more combos! I found I can turn the background music pretty much off and that's helping. I did some later tonight, hopefully I didn't wake up CK.

I feel like I'm being frivolous walking briskly while reading and while boxing, it's a game console after all. I'm trying to remind myself that these things, and bowling with CK, are all about more variety of movement for our health. Increasing my heart rate is good for me.

Those is as important as dishes. I'm going to keep reminding myself this until I believe it.

There's another post about learning to hit when it was so unsafe for me to ever consider using my fists to protect myself.


Friends Outside

Today I dropped off yoga props with friends and two shops. Seven stops total. Getting straps, eye pillows, and a mat to friends felt good. I picked up specialty and bulky items, then dropped them off.

Got home and jumped right into dinner, granted it mostly consisted of making peanut sauce, but still! I went all out today.

At a few stops I hung out with folks outside for a little bit. It was good to see people, although it's still hard to hold back. I wore a mask the whole time. I'm glad I have more to use now!

It was tiring, perhaps 1 less stop next time! I also got something awesome in the mail today! These times are so strange and hard, I'm grateful for all the good moments!


My Needs

Still trying to convince my critical self that I deserve rest, movement that isn't a household task, make at, and play on my own.

It is when I center myself that I get stuck. I don't put my own needs first on the list. I was trained not to and was still told I was selfish when I would try to do my own thing.

I then had spouses who took advantage of this. Which further pushed me into the habit of not caring for myself.

CK actively appreciates that I put her first, but also reminds me that I have to take care of me. We've lived through my not taking care of myself.

I'm not yet ready to say, "Me first!", but I'm accepting I need to be in the top 3.

We've been playing a bowling game! Exploring more things we can do at home together with more movement! CK ordered a set of controller for me, they won't get here until next month because I'm waiting for a set that are purple and orange!