How Low Can We Go?
I gave up my streak yesterday. I'd had a long run of unbroken posts but yesterday I was just too tired, too miserable, and couldnk make myself do one more thing that felt like a task.
Nearly 120,000 people have died from COVID19 and police continue to kill Black people.
I keep hoping to hear Puck's giant feet clacking on the hardwood floors.
Worst Year Ever
We had to make the decision to put Puck down today.
Acute, extreme kidney failure. One kidney looked to be dead.
That's the post for today. This is the fourth cat we've lost over there past 12 years. Fifth for me since I just lost a kitty right when I met CK.
Cats
We've been struggling to eat and so have the cats. Obie really lost weight dramatically, we've gotten home eating again with much coaxing, nutritional yeast, and bonito flakes.
Puck hasn't eaten in the past 24 hours and he's been eating just a few mouthfuls before that. I think his stomach is upset. Calling the vet tomorrow if he's still not eating. Ink realty worried.
CK had beg waking up anxious and in pain. We think physical pain wakes her, but her hee groggy mind flips to panic. We didn't have a good night at all last night.
Once she got to sleep I then slept fitfully, waking every time she moved, worried she was awake again. We picked up a supplement her PMHNP recommend, I'm hoping we can get the what're sleeping is acceptable again.
Ready State
When you grow up in an environment that isn't safe you become hypervigilant, always at the ready to respond to danger. Your body is always tensed, muscles poised for action. Your mind had subroutines running in the background to analyze your environment, the subtle mood shifts off everyone in the vicinity.
It's exhausting. By the time you're 40, after starting the perimenopause journey, your body starts demand more rest, more nurturing,
Stuff
Today I found out where I can drop off household goods, clothing, etc. I also left a message with some trash haulers. Trying to get unstuck on some projects that involve getting rid of stuff first. I've had a mattress in my van for just over a year now!
I miss clothing swaps. That's something that really doesn't work so well in these pandemic days, a room full of excited people trying on clothing. I have a lot to go and I suppose Goodwill will be the best option. Somehow it makes me sad, although it's not as hard as contemplating throwing things out because we cannot donate.
I admire minimalist style, butt I'm always wonderer where the people who live in these spaces are hiding devices, cables, pens, and such things.
I suppose you have a brain shift where, instead of physical treasures, you have this gift of empty space. I kind of get out and then, like an otter, I'm holding onto my favorite rocks!
I get to see my physical therapist tomorrow. It's been over 3 months and I am pleased I've done as well as I have. I'm also hurting a lot more the past few weeks and having muscle spasms; nightmares, reality, and trauma therapy after adding up.
Month Three
Today marks three months without seeing friends or students, without coffee shops or eating out in any way.
I was unfriended by a toxic yoga teacher I didn't personally know for telling her that her anti-mask stance was a problem and she needed to do better to live her yoga. I'd told her I'd share a study with her today as to why masks are helpful but discovered that she's gone and with her all the notifications from her buddies piling on me.
I shared it anyway because it's important.
I'm tired of this year. I'm tired of selfish people. I'm tired of white fragility. I'm especially tired of yoga people who are doing the work of upholding injustice.
I'm tired of making myself smaller. I'm tired of speaking gently and softly. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of thinking it's something I'm doing wrong.
Toxic Women
My peer wrote a passive-aggressive post what're she doesn't name me, but shames me. She uses language my Mother used. She lies in her framing.
I also told off people posting misinformation anchor wearing masks. Another, different white yoga teacher.
CK helped ground me past the triggering language. I've got a lot to unpack about the way white women use shame and manipulate to make themselves always look like the virtuous one.
In response to this I submitted two proposals to present at an online yoga therapy summit.
Distracting White Women
Today was a day where I felt tired all day. A nap didn't lift my energy or spirits. I've felt sad at the edges all day long.
I'm noodling over the conversation I had yesterday with my friendly peer. Part of this is anxiety, the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really bothered by telling someone they're using racist language.
I'm angry at all the misinformation she kept sharing. Especially correlating COVID infections rising with protestors, I called her on that too, pulling her to the facts about incubation. Her pulling out some 17% tie to a First Nations community!!
I'm thinking how I need to take care of myself when I'm confronting racism like this with peers. If it means I'm angry for a day as I integrate it all, I just need to plan for that energy shift.
Difficult Discussions
Growing up I was frequently told I made a big deal out of, well just about everything. I couldn't "take a joke". I was prone to being "too serious" and needed to "lighten up".
I eventually learned, through my Mother's training, to laugh when I didn't find a situation or joke funny. I leaned to bite back many of the questions or concerns. To hide my judgement in hopes that I'd fit in better.
She would tell you I never would back down on many topics. I'm as "stubborn as a mule" and don't respect my elders because I "always have to be right". I'm a know-it-all who thinks I'm better than everyone else.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight in which I called them on invalid information (COVID spike is due to Memorial Day ignorant behavior, not protesters) and on some racist language they used.
It was exhausting and not fun at all. I don't feel a sense of satisfaction and moral superiority, contrary to what my Mother believed. I feel sad, very sad.
I ranted about it to process, but mostly to remember things about three conversation I want to remember and write more about when I have the mental bandwidth. There was so much white fragility in the conversation. So much to unpack about what people think when you talk about a racist.
They envision a dude in a white hood or wearing a swastika or even the conferderate flag. They don't picture my Mother complaining about "lazy Mexicans" (she said "Mexican" for any Latinx person). That's a problem.
Comfort Gaming
I’m embracing my foray into online gaming that is Animal Crossing New Horizons. It’s hard because it really feels like I should be doing anything but playing a video game.
There’s countless homeowner tasks for the yard and house. Getting the budget done. Making great meals. Writing my memoirs. Meditating or asana practice. I should be creating art! Making my website better, or any number of business tasks.
I realize how hard it is to rest, still.
I’m feeling sad about COVID19 tonight and all the ways it’s made life harder and less fun. I wanted made-to-order food at the market yesterday and it still isn’t available. It’s the closest I’ve come to take out since March 13.