Lies from Invaders
The head of the Department of Homeland Security arrived uninvited in my city today. He says my city is under siege from anarchists.
He lies.
Local police continue to lie.
Federal cops are grabbing protestors off the street.
I’m so angry. I’m so afraid for my city. I the police defunded and demilitarized. I want the Feds out.
COVID dog checkup today. Sitting out in the car, waiting to hear.
How are people without cars supposed to do this?
The dogs are in excellent health. Bertie is an especially healthy English Bulldog, a poster dog. He let me stick borage flowers on his face. I’m so grateful.
Goodbye Yoga Props
When I got my teaching certificate I had a dream of becoming a "yoga studio on demand". I could show up anywhere within driving distance and set up a class with props for 10.
After leaving tech I expanded my inventory. I made a capital investment to purchase bolsters, two types, and more straps. More I could offer Restorative Yoga anywhere.
For a while it was great. I rented dance studios and made them yoga studios for small classes. When those dwindled to the point I was paying to put them on and no one would show up, I stopped.
They props lived in the van, four large Rubbermaid cases and one big suitcase to hold them all, until we needed it. Then they moved to the garage.
Now there's COVID. I won't be teaching in person anywhere for a long time. The props were taking up space now.
Today I sold them a huge discount to the Om Thrive Foundation. The Foundation supports survivors of domestic violence and was created by an amazing Black woman, Day Bibb. The bolsters, blocks, and blankets will be packaged up to be delivered to participants in the program.
I was so happy dropping them off today that I nearly cried.
Getting straps, which can be triggering to domestic abuse survivors (I absolute get this), to students and friends. Ditto for mats.
In Which Everything Feels Catastrophic
I was going to write about how grounding teaching was today against the news that local police spent the night escalating violence. Again.
I was going to expand on the unintended art of a melted canister reflecting back how yesterday made me feel.
Then there was a small explosion in the neighborhood. The boom woke up CK. I saw the flash of it while working on my art journal. I investigated outside a little, but w we were left with the belief that some asshole must have set off a firework.
Until I came upstairs just before midnight to a terrible whine. I tensed at it and went through the house turning off fans, trying to trace it. As i got to the bathroom I saw flashing, amber lights.
Upon going outside with CK’s halal on I discovered power company workers with a bucket truck. I was able to discover the earlier explosion was a fuse going out, the part of the neighborhood across the street were without power!
This all woke up CK for the third time tonight. We’re both pretty wired, her brain got really worried hearing me leave the house with male voices and noise.
I’m struck at how quickly our brains expect the worse. 2020 keeps providing catastrophes, another seems plausible. I was expecting to find a car accident. I’m rather grateful to be wrong AND the explosion has been explained!
Taxes, Cops, and COVID
We've been trying to get caught up on our taxes and at the end of last year we'd got 2016 filled and paid.
Or so we thought.
Several years ago we both experienced identify theft around taxes. As a result, we have PINs issued each year and getting behind has meant they expired and we had to send in a paper copy.
Later this winter we received a letter stating we had to verify our identification before they can accept the paper copy. Then COVID happened and the offices closed up.
I’ve been trying off and on for a while. This morning I tired again.
I eventually got to someone after getting disconnected repeatedly on the number the letter said to call. I’d tired another number on a different letter saying we now have a credit.
I was ultimately told to try the number that says it’s having technical difficulties and disconnecting me. That our make an appointment to go in person in an office located in the Federal Building.
If it’s open. I should risk COVID exposure to enter a building that’s currently boarded up and surrounded by both federal and local cops dressed in riot gear.
I got a lot upset. Thankfully CK came upstairs to give me hugs and support.
There was freshly harvested salad for dinner, so that was good. I’m really grateful for the last two things.
Koans and Other Tools
I had a lot of moments of just staring off at nothing today.
I read something about American passports, which once were a guarantee of access, are nearly useless now. We're a plague state. I felt trapped here and was grateful when I shared this fear with CK that sure took me seriously.
I'm grateful for all the times she takes me seriously. I have been told so often that I'm overreacting or being too dramatic. All that was gaslighting, but I'm still so grateful when I'm not dismissed.
The federal cops are in Portland because the President sent them. Local cops hasn't already sufficiently brutalized there population.
I thought about the koan about chopping wood and carrying water. Before and after enlightenment, same thing.
Chop wood, carry water.
Making meals, folding laundry, pulling weeds, washing dishes. Just do the tasks that need doing.
Police vs. Portland
Our local cops gave a no-confidence in the City commissioners, saying, "Someone had to protect Portland."
We have federal cops launching tear gas and non-lethal (less lethal?) at protestors and arresting both protestors and journalists.
We keep telling the police what we want and all they do is escalate. Now with the support of the feds. I'm sickened.
I had a wave of shakes and a little nausea earlier, soon after looking at photos and video is my beloved city and the protestors standing up the cops. My hands shook so much, I felt shaky all over, and I ended up laying on the sofa for a few minutes with the dogs.
Trauma news on top of take-away sushi and tempura was a little rich and intense for my system.
Our Bee Balm is pretty glorious right now. I'm grateful.
How Low Can We Go?
I gave up my streak yesterday. I'd had a long run of unbroken posts but yesterday I was just too tired, too miserable, and couldnk make myself do one more thing that felt like a task.
Nearly 120,000 people have died from COVID19 and police continue to kill Black people.
I keep hoping to hear Puck's giant feet clacking on the hardwood floors.
Month Three
Today marks three months without seeing friends or students, without coffee shops or eating out in any way.
I was unfriended by a toxic yoga teacher I didn't personally know for telling her that her anti-mask stance was a problem and she needed to do better to live her yoga. I'd told her I'd share a study with her today as to why masks are helpful but discovered that she's gone and with her all the notifications from her buddies piling on me.
I shared it anyway because it's important.
I'm tired of this year. I'm tired of selfish people. I'm tired of white fragility. I'm especially tired of yoga people who are doing the work of upholding injustice.
I'm tired of making myself smaller. I'm tired of speaking gently and softly. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of thinking it's something I'm doing wrong.
Toxic Women
My peer wrote a passive-aggressive post what're she doesn't name me, but shames me. She uses language my Mother used. She lies in her framing.
I also told off people posting misinformation anchor wearing masks. Another, different white yoga teacher.
CK helped ground me past the triggering language. I've got a lot to unpack about the way white women use shame and manipulate to make themselves always look like the virtuous one.
In response to this I submitted two proposals to present at an online yoga therapy summit.
Distracting White Women
Today was a day where I felt tired all day. A nap didn't lift my energy or spirits. I've felt sad at the edges all day long.
I'm noodling over the conversation I had yesterday with my friendly peer. Part of this is anxiety, the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is really bothered by telling someone they're using racist language.
I'm angry at all the misinformation she kept sharing. Especially correlating COVID infections rising with protestors, I called her on that too, pulling her to the facts about incubation. Her pulling out some 17% tie to a First Nations community!!
I'm thinking how I need to take care of myself when I'm confronting racism like this with peers. If it means I'm angry for a day as I integrate it all, I just need to plan for that energy shift.