Fraught
I responded to a Tweet the 16th that asked what mundane thing you missed from pre-COVID.
I miss going to Powell’s Bookstore and browsing. Really, any bookstore, but I recently had a wave of longing to sit at a table in World Cup Coffee, the place in the corner of the first floor of Powell's, and peruse books I'm considering purchasing while watching people.
Just the joy of walking along the tall stacks to see what jumped out at me. To look for bargains among the used and remaindered titles.
I then expanded my comment to say that really any shopping where I could just casually browse without being hypervigilant for people too close to me. Without worry that some white woman is going to pull her mask down because she just has to open up a bottle of lotion and smell it (recently seen at a New Seasons Market), the bro who just has to get his poke and gets too damn close, or the elder woman who bumps into three people on her way down a narrow aisle.
Complex Trauma means I'm always a little vigilant about people in my personal space, much less touching me. COVID has taken what was a little tickle of irritation and turned it into a bullhorn. Robot yelling, "Danger! Danger!"
The past couple of days were shopping days. I often come home from them and just lay across the bed for a little while. What was once something that could be a pleasant diversion and has made it an exhausting chore fraught with strong emotions.
60,000 in California Alone
Yesterday California reported over 60,000 new COVID cases. Part of 16,519,688 cases reported yesterday. Today California reported 100% capacity of ICU beds.
The cases because people were selfish about Thanksgiving haven’t even begun to hit us.
I’m going places this week and next. I’m making mistakes; I need more detailed lists! It feels so fraught to be around people even in my respirator mask. I’m restocking some things again.
Vaccines are arriving, being distributed. It will help eventually.
Right now it feels like too little, to late.
The T* Administration is holding up the distribution of the Pfizer vaccine. Millions of doses sit in warehouses.
COVID Close
This morning I found out a friend has COVID. A good friend I've had a relationship with for close to 30 years! A friend who is at high risk for Long COVID fallout, who has a yet to be fully understood heart condition.
A friend who was by for a visit 20 days ago. She's roughly 10 days into it and the most likely contact point was from someone who'd isolated, tested negative, and came down from Seattle to visit after she had seen me. She's very mildly affected, in large part because she's been so diligent about isolating and wearing a mask.
It was a driveway visit and I wore my respirator/mask combo, but it is still the closest exposure I know about. It rather upset my apple cart, as CK says. That's on top of a truly lousy trauma body freakout the night before.
This led to me not being as prepared as I like to be for my Saturday Yoga of Freedom class. I wanted to talk more in depth about Larry Ward, but I just didn't have it in me.
So I talked about all this and less about Larry Ward's work. I still included it and I focused the physical practice on how to care for knees, since a friend who comes regularly has been having a lot of knee pain all week. It was a small group of students, so it worked. We all felt the support of community.
This all helped me, although I've felt significantly tired all day long. We're going to press hard tomorrow to get several things prepared for me to mail on Monday. I'm very aware of how late it is and how much I want to do tomorrow!
Jerk Feels
My brain decided I'm a jerk tonight because playing Magic with CK was frustrating. That's after feeling terrible dread about the Collage Guild online party.
The party was great. It all mostly went as planned. We got through my frustrations and after trying something new tomorrow. I made awesome soup for dinner.
I feel like I've been rubbed by sandpaper all day. All this is connected, I know, but it still feels like too much and made my stomach unhappy.
Meltdown Day
Saturday the 21st, in which a discussion about fruit derails my entire day.
Some days I really hate my brain.
Today evening made me cry for most of the daylight hours leaving me with an even worse headache than yesterday. I ended up watching an anime movie I love, Nausicaä the Valley of the Wind and working up to eating food.
CK suggested I’m feeling burn out. I told her later that my brain’s immediate response to her saying that was, “I can’t be burnt out! I don’t have enough done yet!”
Getting the dishwasher loaded feels like a huge accomplishment. Likewise for getting the last of the instant mashed potatoes into food service containers.
Tomorrow will hopefully be easier.
Shame Monster Again
I tried to get 5 houses worth of hazardous materials to the transfer station today and missed the cutoff by a few minutes. The minutes I spent visiting our kitten at our friend's.
Then I got home to an IRS letter.
I know how to handle it and we agree getting closer to being caught up, but it still left me feeling like a failure and a burden.
It didn't matter what I did during the day or how grateful our made our friends, our family of choice. The Shame Monster could only focus on my not getting there on time.
The whole evening just saw my anxiety build and the Shame Monster stomping around telling me I suck.
Then I stopped my phone and it bounced across the floor and into the water bowl! It is just fine, the OtterBox helped and I was damn fast to grab it and wrap it in a towel!
I finally gave up on cleaning the kitchen, worked on art, then took as long shower. As I got ready for the shower it finally got me that I forgot to take my bedtime pills!
I'm wondering if I worker need more of the medication for my brain, particularly the part of CPTSD that creates the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or if I might benefit from taking it at dinner with my antidepressant.
This might help with Shame Monster's nightly rampaging.
Postponing Joy
I have several articles of clothing I never wear at home. I put them on to leave. I avoid wearing them at home because they’d get dog or cat hair on them, would start to show wear, etc.
These are mostly things I wore to teach. Some things for fancy occasions. My “nice” clothes as opposed to my “play” clothes.
I started wearing a sweater I would wear while teaching to keep me warm at the end and between classes. It finally hit me that I really don’t need to save them, I don’t know when I’ll teach in person again, so I might as well enjoy my clothing now!
It’s made me wonder just how often, and in how many different ways, I postpone joy for dubious reasons. What undercurrent of shame believes I don’t deserve joy in the present moment?
It’s been a tough few weeks with my Shame Monster, “Whinnie”, telling me what a loser I am, what a drain on resources, etc. It’a exhausting, tedious, and driven by the election anxiety.
Maybe tomorrow will have hope.
I’m grateful for an unexpected urban ungulate feasting on windfall apples I saw when I took our leftover pumpkin curry over to AF’s.
Dread not Optimism
CK asked me this evening what I think will happen tomorrow. I had to reply that I really didn't know.
2016 taught us not to trust polls. We know that people were misleading them intentionally. We know not to trust our broken Electoral College.
We know that we're one of the hotbeds of militia activity. We know T* supporters are behaving like Brownshirts and cops nationwide are enabling it.
My discussion group for the "Seeing White" podcast had some folks who are feeling optimistic. I'm not one of them, I'm just feeling so much dread.
It wasn't helped by the Governor declaring a preemptive state of emergency starting at 5pm this evening. There's all kinds of businesses boarded up.
Clearly everything will be done to protect property, not people, not our votes.
I'm wrapping up the last grocery pickup and getting fuel in the vehicles tomorrow. Then we're hunkering down. I'm going to open up a Zoom in the afternoon and invite folks to just come hangout online with us.
I'm already exhausted.
On the positive side of today. I was approved for 13 more weeks of pandemic unemployment assistance! I also delighted myself making a cover comic for my new journal, that I'll add to periodically, just for comics!
Waiting
I asked students this morning what they were grateful for. When silence greeted me, again, I asked if there was anything anyone needed held in community.
A student spoke up about how uncertain and terrible everything feels to them. I noted that everyone was nodding along. I reminded them that what we're experiencing in the United States is unique and we're months into living in this state of heightened stress response, which is to say, trauma.
Tomorrow I'll be working on a new video, possibly two. One detailing the "legs-up-the-wall" restorative yoga pose and another where I talk about what a Self-Care Plan is.
I'm going to look for stuff around the house for the kitten and make a list of what to get. I'm also going to spend some quality time in the garage sorting all the stocking up I've been doing. I want to see if there's any last bits I want to get before Tuesday.
I want to be wrong about all this preparation. I really do.
CK read me news reports of armed Trump supporters harassing a bus of Biden supporters in Texas and cops refusing to help. There are armed people harassing the folks protesting another Black man who was killed in Vancouver, Washington, yesterday and the cops aren't helping.
I better make a list of what to check in on before Tuesday.
Donuts & Kittens
I got to visit a couple of friends today, safely outside of course. I also got to see tiny Ursa Minor who is working his way towards 2 pounds. There were also delicious donuts.
I found out another friend is leaving the state in the next few weeks. I was extra grateful to have suggested the donut date today. It was a sunny, beautiful Autumn day. Perfect to be outside and catch up with a friend.
I'm going to miss being able to do this when the rains start. I'll really have to bundle up on clear days and find reasons to see people outside.
Everyone is in a limbo state of anxiety.
There's all the things I want to do next week, including (hopefully) getting to bring Ursa home and taking a run of toxic materials to the transfer station.
Then there's all the things I'm trying to get done before November 3rd in the event there's civil unrest and general strikes.
It made the donuts extra delicious and I'm feeling especially grateful to have our home.