The Red House
A Black family is being evicted after a long, fraught journey with the housing courts and criminal courts. Protestors have surrounded the house with barricades and have so far kept police at Bay.
It's a public face to the crises of evictions happening all over, and an especially complex story. I'm trying to read what activists after writing about it all, especially at how Black people are expected to turn to systems that have repeatedly betrayed them.
The eviction crises is bringing up some lingering sadness. I can tell the memories of my own experience of eviction and homelessness aren't flaring to life, only the grief remains like a cinder with a little glow of fire left.
Unsolicited Diet Propaganda
Today an order of supplements arrived for us. The red rice yeast compound I take that's a precursor to statins I'm taking to address my cholesterol and a new formulation of zinc that should be easier on CK's digestive system. Great!
Given it was 2 pill bottles the box was very large and heavy. Inside, carefully packed in a plastic bag and under plastic pillows, was a complimentary copy of The Longevity Diet.
Yes, there lurking under stuff we need, a book promoting fasting. Diet Culture propaganda from the Wellness Industrial Complex.
I was so grossed out by this unsolicited material. Like Diet Culture aren't a dick pic to me!
I ultimately hurled it into the garage. I'll grab it and put it with the other diet books I've boxed up. I'll be writing a letter to the company; give me free shipping for fuck's sake, don't send me propaganda.
Not the way to start the morning after trauma therapy. I'm sure that made it feel all the more disgusting.
I wanted to do more today, but I ended up laying down after lunch under my weighted blanket. Yesterday's session has left me feeling especially drained and wrung out.
Ursa napped with me and Bertie. It's the first time he's done this and it was just what I needed.
The More I Know
Some days I think I've uncovered all the things I'm angry at my Mother about. Then I start to unpack another memory that feeds my false belief that I'm so profoundly toxic that it makes sense that everyone leaves me. I'm not worthy of real love because I'm terrible.
On days like that I wish she was still alive so I could rage at her. There is part of me that feels really angry that I don't get to really tell off any of these terrible people in my childhood. They're all dead.
The best revenge is living well, so they say. I guess that's why I do this ugly work of letting these memories out so that I can integrate them.
⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse, Neglect, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse.⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️
⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️
Age Six Sherri believed it didn't matter what happened to her. She was that worthless; she believed her Mother who told her over and over that she ruined everything. Whenever things went wrong, it was always Sherri's fault somehow. She got into everything and didn't respect her Mother's personal property. She talked too much and was too nosey. She got what was coming to her.
Two sessions in with this memory and I know that I was sexually abused over a period of weeks, months. My Mother was alerted to it by a doctor, possibly even school. She totally denied it could be possible in any way and fabricated the notion that I wasn't fastidious about my hygiene. She regularly left me home alone at night to go on dates and I was home alone after school.
I was SIX.
I wish she was alive so I could rage at her.
Secret Santa Stuff
Today I got the names of the people I'm sending a holiday card to and a Secret Santa gift to through the Reddit Secret Santa. It's been such a lousy year, and it's been pretty delightful to surprise people with cards, so I signed up.
CK thought about doing it too, but was feeling like too much is going on for her. It's really busy at work for her, in a good way, but she didn't want to add something else to her stack.
I suggested that she help me make sure I send an awesome gift out, that we could share in the fun. We both liked this idea a lot!
Today's match put me with a younger Dad, with 5 kids, who loves Magic the Gathering! This is CK's favorite game, one we play a lot together. I sent some questions CK suggested to him to help us pick a gift.
Our ornaments for 2020 arrived today too, bringing us a lot of delight.
In the meantime a 37 year-old died in Multnomah Country today. Two days after testing positive for COVID. They were asymptomatic. I begin to think that we'll still be doing the sheltering in place well into spring of 2021.
People were unable to stay home for Halloween or Thanksgiving. They won't for Christmas and New Year's either.
Kitten Hijinks
Having a night where no title occurs to me so I'm noting something that's bringing joy to the darkening days as we get closer to winter. He's sitting in my lap purring loudly.
It was a day full of chores, video creation, and newsletter production. Plus making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen. It's always nice you start the week cleaned up.
I say that while in my head my Inner Jerk, "Whinnie", is telling me what a failure I am as a housekeeper. Yep, she's still around.
Jerk Feels
My brain decided I'm a jerk tonight because playing Magic with CK was frustrating. That's after feeling terrible dread about the Collage Guild online party.
The party was great. It all mostly went as planned. We got through my frustrations and after trying something new tomorrow. I made awesome soup for dinner.
I feel like I've been rubbed by sandpaper all day. All this is connected, I know, but it still feels like too much and made my stomach unhappy.
Tender Points
I saw my PT today and she worked on my jaw and neck, as well as hip and lower back pain. Truly, my whole left side has had increasing issues for weeks now with interconnected pain from my head to the foot.
IW releases tender points that occur on my body. They're created when the various circulatory systems in the body don't flow. She then moves the body to unlock the area. It's remarkable work.
Sometimes treatment immediately improved my energy, other times I feel tired. And some days it feels like I've been put through the wringer. Today was a wringer.
I'll feel better over the next day or two. Today I got under my weighted blanket and just rested. The work on my jaw is releasing the trauma held there related to the memory from she 6, I felt waves of grief with those.
Difficult Letter Day
Sometimes I decide that a company or a person is worth the energy to educate, or at least attempt to communicate clearly with. Because I don't like conflict I often will just disappear, ghosting as they say now. Occasionally I'll write a letter.
When I decide to write one I'll find my brain wants to get in a loop of writing a small epic. I don't like rehashing stuff that's made me unhappy, so I'll avoid writing the letter because I don't want to get pulled into it to deeply.
The problem is, this process of trying not to think about it to much for fear of setting off the epic Russian novelist part of my brain, this itself is taxing. It gets in the way of writing letters advocating for health or postcards to friends.
Yesterday I sent out a few postcards. Today I decided to tackle the most pressing letters. One essentially ends a friendship; I can't remain friends with someone who's behavior reminds me of my ex-husbands. The other attempts to improve care at a business we may need in the future; the things that weren't alright with Puck's end-of-life care. I was going to have a third about a policy at my favorite Japanese bookstore, but I can't find a mailing address. Instead I made a sternly worded request through their website.
I have drafts to review tomorrow, these letters will benefit from sleeping on them.
Tonight we put up our tree which was a good antidote to working on the letters.
The Big Gift
We finally got the old couch hauled away and about a week later the new couch arrived. We put it together last night. It isn’t an upgrade, but it’s such an improvement.
CK keeps worrying that she didn’t get us a “big gift”, but now that it’s here it is easier to remind her that she did! The new, upgraded chair cushion is great both in color and feel. Tomorrow I’ll put the matching foot rest together.
It’s also a furniture refresh we could do safely from home. Delivery was safe, one persons barely entered with a mask on and the door wide open. We could put it together ourselves. COVID changes priorities a lot.
CK had an interaction with a care provider today that left her feeling bad about herself and eating. Given how hard we’ve worked for her to enjoy food again, especially given her weight loss due to food apathy this year, I was livid.
I’d wanted to use my boxing game, but discovered the controllers were dead. (I’m just now remembering there’s TWO sets!) I was agitated about CK experiencing food shaming and couldn’t focus so I rearranged some small furniture in the living room. It looks cozy and was a great surprise to CK when she came upstairs.
Pie Over Indulgence
I’m waiting for my mild heartburn to subside. I polished off my pie for dessert with wine. One or the other, since it was really 2 slices worth, would have been fine after takeout burgers & fries, but both was too much.
I’d a simple plan to make something, but our new, inexpensive IKEA sofa showed up this morning and putting it together kind of wore us out. CK fed the creatures while I picked up food.
Last night I didn’t have wild dreams. I think starting the new memoir in therapy, along with all the grief stacking up around this time of year and Obie dying, really has been stirring up my subconscious.
That’s all without COVID which hangs over our lives. Vaccines are being rushed, but then we’ll have all the anti-vax folks out in force saying it’s a conspiracy! I’m so tired of these people.
I finished a new piece today, a tiny shrine, and got it into the post office this afternoon! Saturday my art group is all getting together online and everyone’s mailing a package this week so we’ll all have one to open when we’re together.
The bare tree has lost interest to Ursa, tomorrow we’re going to decorate! Thankfully we already have a theme of non-breakable ornaments!