Bittersweet
CK has been even less enthused about food than usual, it’s the anxiety. That’s really the catch all answer to most things. It’s the anxiety. Oregon has a lot of extra uncertainty because we’re even more screwed in the testing department.
In response, I made an effort today to get a few more groceries before the expected “shelters in place” order. The pickup order didn’t go smoothly, I was late for a virtual tea. I saw a dear friend at the store and we had to be distant. Then I discovered the thing I tried to get CK in the pickup order wasn’t quite followed.
A student left a voicemail when I was in the store asking me to call back. I realized I was afraid of hearing someone had died. Realizing that is what is very likely coming for each of us; hearing terrible need of loss.
I found out that MSCC is closed until April 28, at the earliest. I’ll be paid the hours I should have worked through April 1, then I’ll be laid off, making me eligible for unemployment. I shouldn’t be surprised if it extends, possibly to June.
It all left me feeling rather down.
Then I called the student back. All is mostly well. It’s been a week since Yoga in Chairs, she and her husband are missing it and can’t remember the movements we do. Her husband began attending this winter after a stroke and the class has really supported his recovery.
A week without class is starting to show. Although he’s still physically stronger, but his other healing isn’t doing s as well. The many neuro-protective exercises I add to the class have been a big boost. It wasn’t until the classes abruptly stopped that they realized just how much I’m helping!
I reassured her that online classes were coming and I do online sessions if they want to come up with a sequence just for them. When she apologized for being so overwhelmed sounding I reminded her that we’re living in unprecedented times, overwhelm is part of the scenery here.
I am feeling proud of my work. I’m feeling despair that the only answer to this pandemic is to isolate. I miss my students.
Seeding
I’m closer to online yoga and I connected via email with students today. I’m feeling sad without the connection to my students and the staff at MSCC.
I’m anxious, but I think it’s reasonable. We’re living in frightening times, my anxiety is shared widely.
I found myself getting anxious at the computer this afternoon. I finally made myself stop and I went outside with the dogs. I cleared out two raised beds, not even waiting to find my gloves.
Digging my hands into the earth and smelling the freshness of the dirt, the sharpness of the weedy cress that’s invading, helped me at least feel as though my sad, anxious energy is moving again. I just focused on the movement of my hands and thought about carrots, radishes, and fresh greens.
Celebrating & Mourning Resilience
This whole pandemic thing is making my anxiety unhappy. I’m really grateful for dogs, they bring joy to us every day. It wasn’t an easy day and I was extra happy to hang out in the sunshine in our yard with them this afternoon.
I've worked so hard the past several years to get my nervous system out of the state were I can'tsleep because I'm sure it isn't safe. My hypervigilance is flared up, telling me that it has been right all this time, the world isn’t safe!
I went to therapy in person. SAFE/EMDR cannot be done remotely. It really isn't safe. While therapists ate being encouraged to use an online tool, they are allowed to make exceptions for folks who have “complex cases”.
Like mine. Yay, I’m Complex. I get to keep working on my trauma history that drowns me in shame, especially where it interacts with money. I’m really relieved I have this option even if it is a mixed bag.
I’m so angry. I’ve spent the past five years reinventing and healing myself after tech burnout/Mom breakdown. I was just getting going and now I’m stopped. I got our yoga room more organized today so I can start doing online classes. More reinventing. It isn’t wasted, but it is exhausting and sad.
My therapist was thrilled to hear that I had already asked CK to help me out with my sudden loss of job. I’m already aware how much teaching helps me manage my mental health.
We worked a little on the current memory. It revealed some details that left me celebrating how resilient I was, and am. How I found my own ways to soothe myself, I had to since my Mother was unable to set an example of this. I began finding creative ways to isolate and soothe from my terrifying family at such a young age.
I was such a bad ass, compassionate, peaceful little kid.
I’m integrating the rage I feel because I had to become that kid. I love her and I’m amazed at her, again and again. Between my family and the 70s/80s, no one was looking out for her.
So it Goes
Today has been harder.
Anxious Brain got all wound up seeing peers already offering online classes, on top of the anxiety of these terrifying times. I'm making a space that will work well, which brings up shame for having any chaotic stress in the house at all, which brings up worries about money with everything shutting down, which brings up money shame, which makes Anxiety Brain certain I'm Not Doing Enough!
That’s my Tuesday. This is the state of Anxiety Brain and there’s very little reasoning with it, just have to soothe and wait it out. It is just whether it’s at today despite recording 2 videos, creating, and scheduling a newsletter yesterday, doing several chores, and figuring out how to move prescriptions to the mail-order pharmacy today. Despite several emails from students grateful for my newsletter.
Anxiety Brain is a jerk, mostly.
I contemplated takeout and was overcome with fear of sick people being obliged to make because they don't have healthcare and capitalism is built upon misery.
So we've learned that fear might be the best motivator for not getting takeout in favor of cooking the food you already have in there house.
In good news: my wife loves having me home to play Magic with her at lunchtime, plus my making lunch. I’ve received really touching messages from people who are missing me teaching as much as I am!
Brave New World
Day one of teaching hiatus: I put too much on my to-do list, normal for me. Got the most important thing done, newsletter goes out tomorrow!
I had a video chat with a dear friend. We discussed how to take social distant walks together. The dogs making a barrier?
I texted many dear people to let them know I'm thinking of them.
Letting our Brave New World unfold. I'm so grateful my wife's a software engineer for a very stable company.
Hunkering Down
Staying in all weekend isn’t that unusual for us. Tomorrow is when it starts to feel weird for me. CK gets back to remote work, but I’ve got nothing!
She helped me make a schedule for tomorrow. Trying to have some movement practice, chores, making a newsletter & video, and starting to make the Yoga Room be set up for video.
I made a chart for us to track temperature. While we don’t feel we’ve been exposed, I especially have been out around people. Considering staying put at least a week, then perhaps groceries and prescription meds.
What times we live in. Between time change and pandemic my sleep isn’t what it was!
My orchid from Grocery Outlet doesn’t care. It’s been in the process of making this first bloom since last year. This first flower is almost fully open.
Withdrawing
The first day of not really going anywhere. We’re discussing a plan for monitoring for any sign of fever. Noting holes in my long stock up of long-storing food items.
I woke up early, needing to pee, and was surprised at the brightness of the room in the predawn. Then I noticed the snow.
I returned to my warm bed, in a house with a furnace programmed to come on when we rise and well stocked with food and medicines, and thought about the houseless women who sit just inside the community center I teach at. They keep not-quite warm, dry, and safe. There are toilets.
Yesterday the centers and libraries all closed. Warming shelters closed for the spring. Where did people go?
My Mother and I were briefly houseless when I was four after she was fired from her job. She blamed me for it. We went to live with my aunt and her two kids. My Mother also was in a car accident during this time which extended our time there.
It was a terrifying time in which I learned that no one in my family was on my side. None of the adults, therefore neither of my cousins by extension. I gained tremendous shame around money, a terror of being without a home, and a fear of “rocking the boat”.
This experience is one I’m currently integrating in therapy. I’m wondering if I’ll be going to my session on Tuesday. I don’t want to take a break, I want to keep taking care of it and getting past the way it undermines everything I think about money.
I’d meant to text more people and connect over teleconferencing with friends. Instead I tried not to fret too much, nor read a lot of news.
Social Distancing
Today I told the students who came out to my two Friday classes that I wanted them to stay home, to restrict contact, and to avoid the community center. It broke my heart a little.
A few hours later Portland Parks & Rec announced that all community centers were closed through March 31st. At least.
I’m worried about the houseless citizens who use the center to shelter and shower.
I depend on teaching to keep my energy balanced!
I practiced bowing gassho to people today.
I ran the last errands. We’re staying low, hunkering down except for essentials like prescriptions.
Let's all learn how to better connect without getting closer than 3-6 feet from one another. I told students to use this time to learn how to use tech for connecting. I'm going to bed making good on my talk of practice videos and mighty even try to live stream.
What strange days.
Nice Day for the Pandemic
School district’s closing up for 2+ weeks. Just told the community center director that I actively discouraging my students from coming tomorrow. I told them I’m taking at least a 2-week hiatus from teaching their, starting Monday.
90-95% of my students are over age 60. Some of the younger folks have chronic illnesses. I’m a fifty year old with lifelong asthma! My wife’s lungs are worse!
I’m going to get more videos up and might try to livestream content to students.
Strange times.
Pandemic
No longer a thing of history books. We’re living in terrifying times and the load on my nervous system feels pretty heavy today.
I’m wondering justhow long I’ll keep teaching at the community center. On one hand, I support people getting out to move and be in community. These things usually support the immune system. My class numbers are dropping daily.
Oregon’s Governor just announced a 4-week ban on gatherings over 250 people. So much for soccer season kicking off. If the schools close the community centers will too.
We’re trying to stay present and not drop into anxiety. I’m limiting news even more than I already have been. We’re trying to get enough rest.