Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


Power, Glorious Power

We got power back around 2pm. CK immediately got to work and I had a hard time focusing. I did manage to re-shovel walkways again which enabled me to take out kitchen trash and recycling. It was raining, so it might all be washed away by daylight.

I notice street lights are still out, so not all is back.

I nodded off in the IKEA Poang chair with the kitten. I think I've discovered something that messes up my neck; sleeping in the Poang! Between the shoveling and that, I'm pretty sore.


Power Outage

We lost power just as I was starting dinner. We reported the outage, turned on battery operated lamps, and I made a simple dinner. Then we continued our plan to play a tabletop game by camping lights.

Around the time I was going to search of thermal layers to wear power returned, around 8pm. The furnace kicked in and the house earned back up. CK also turned on the electric blanket to warm up the bed.

Then around 10:20 it went out again. As I write this there temperature is rising and there are occasional crashes as ice falls off trees and into the house.



It was a day that was careening a bit over individual and mutual grief over a pandemic that stretches onwards to summer as we're iced inside our home, going we don't lose power.

The the GOP acquitted T*. Just like they said they would.

I don't know why I'm so angry and despairing over something we knew was happening. The incomprehensible, incompetent, speedy defense was so for show since the Ghouls Only Party made up their minds to acquit.

My day has also been plagued by neck pain making it hard to turn my head and my right knee swelling for no reason I can recall.

Ice then snow then ice then snow, etc. meant no mail today. The Valentines I ordered should have arrived yesterday, but didn't. Now next week sometime. I'll save them for the belated cake we couldn't have this weekend because the bakery closed on account of snow.

Ursa offered uncomplicated nose boops and snuggles, thank goodness!


Ice Storm Cometh

Snow came in and we got a few inches! This evening it turned into freezing rain and it's been coming down for hours. The wind is also really bad, our power has flickered a few times.

I really hope we don't lose power. If we do, I'm grateful for our gas appliances that allow us to make tea and food. We even have gas fireplace insert we can use for some heat even though it's not super efficient.

I'm listening to freezing rain hit the house. Occasionally a gust of wind blows a branch into the house. It sounds like winter and I'm grateful to be warm inside.


Wall of F.I.N.E.

My Tuesday/Thursday classes are different, the students are more accepting of connection and philosophy. We've had a great discussion this week about being honest with people about how we're doing. I'm ultimately going to record a video about it, but this is a side note.

My friend HMP is open about using AA as a support for her life. She shared that she thinks in recovery people she knew would say "fine" stood for, "Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and egotistical".

I thought about this and said a better way to say it would be, "ego driven". There's a lot of behavior that covers besides arrogance.

It works well. When we're feeling any of those ways we put up walls to keep people from seeing what's going on.

"I'm fine.", we say to people.

It's a good reminder, what is not ok for us that a wall of FINE is going up?

Insomnia brought on by the usual mind stuff about this unsafe country and a brutal storm that's covering us in snow and ice. COVID and warming shelters; I hope people are safe.


Small Delights

My physical therapist encouraged me today to keep focused on the progress being made and reminded me that most countries are having fiascos around getting vaccines administered. Last month we'd compared gratitude practices and this is a kind of extension of that.

She mentioned it because of shared that I'm feeling down this month. It's just felt like so much, too much for too long. I'm sad and angry.

I'm also still practicing gratitude. I told her about the practice of small delights or wonders I've been sharing with students. Next week I'll share her suggestion about having a progress focus.

Today I'm grateful I could shop for the friend who's done it for me recently. The weather was sunny when I needed to wait outside before I could enter the store. There were only 2 people in line ahead of me to enter; there were over a dozen when I left! I found nearly everything both households wanted and a few, yummy extras.

I'm especially glad that CK slept through the night. I was hypervigilant, worried any move was her waking, but she rested! We repeated Tuesday night's order tonight; she hasn't woke up yet!

My special delight was being able to score the last loaf of walnut bread at Ken's Artisan Bakery, the best bread ever.


Early Morning Errands

I was five minutes early to my 8am blood draw. Our doctor saw me pull up and came outside so I was so done by 8:02! That she is still happy to do this awkward thing makes it worth all the work to go across town to her office. At least COVID still had kept traffic not too bad

I remembered that the all vegan donut shop opened at 8am, as did the gluten free bakery we have gone to a few times. Both were on the way home, more or less. It felt nice to come home with really special treats for each of us.

I was aware of the diet culture irony of getting myself donuts right after a blood draw to check my cholesterol. Luckily it's stayed at just this awareness and hasn't turned into anxiety or food shame. Not even when I had two donuts in one day!


Home PT

I'm getting up early for me to go get my blood drawn by our doctor. I've been taking a red rice yeast compound for over six months, we'll see if it's having any effect on my cholesterol. I'm feeling mildly anxious, but just about any outing brings it up.

My colleague who teaches MELT Method brought over the props I bought today. I'm excited to have them, I really felt a benefit to my pain when is stay for her class after mine at the community center. I think it will help CK too.

I told her about my late night research on Restless Leg Syndrome. I'm going to compose my thoughts and questions then send it to our doctor. I found a few things we could start trying that won't hurt even if that's not what CK had going on.

We're also pretty sure she's got a rib out of alignment under her right scapula. Slowly trying to work on that, the MELT roller might help too.

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Ants in Pants

I wanted to write about gratitude and how grateful I am for how our community is keeping connected and supporting one another. Especially because I get to avoid a Costco trip!

But for the fifth or sixth night in a row CK has had what she calls "ants in the pants" when she lays down to sleep. Previous nights a hand rub helped and she fell asleep. Tonight, no luck.

I've been reading about Restless Leg Syndrome.

I know it's not a good idea to research late at night, but here we are. I'm worried about her. It did give me some good ideas too.

Another plus to keeping a household journal/calendar is that I started noting the nights a hand rub was needed. It is unfolding in usefulness!


I Hate This

CK has been experiencing surface numbness in her side, neck, arm, hand and hip. Can't feel water temperature correctly and has some pain.

We don't think it's anything life threatening, but it's still freaking me out somewhat. I really want CK to finally go see our physical therapist because I feel out of my depth to help with massage and traction.

She notes, "Not while there's COVID."

I spent 30 minutes angry-cleaning dishes as I couldn't stop crying. This happened late last night too, the tears just falling uncontrollably. I hate all of this pandemic life we're living.

I hate the panic I feel if I don't leave the house with my full respirator mask. I hate that we need to wear masks of any kind. I hate that people pull them off outdoors even though there are people around them. I hate that people won't wear masks at all.

I hate that they're not running drive-thru vaccine clinics 24x7. I hate that we don't even know when we can get vaccinated. I hate that there aren't enough vaccines. I hate that we're still having shortages of PPE and equipment like pipettes to do better testing.

I hate not feeling safe in this way. I hate takeaway and not dining out. I hate that they're trying to open up dining again.

I hate feeling exhausted by the thought of going into a store. I hate that being in a store is an exercise in anxiety. I hate not ever feeling safe to just dash up to the market to get something because i changed my mind about dinner.

I hate this.

I want to stand on the beach and hear nothing but waves and gulls. When I am damp and chilled to the bone I want to go into a cozy restaurant to have tea and pastries and french fries.

I want to hug people besides CK again and I'm not a hugger.

Ursa is sitting on my lap purring as I write this. Thank goodness for his sweetness.

I'm also enormously grateful for the beloved friend who offered to go to Costco for us. Since I had a panic attack and flashback in Costco last year, it's made it more tiring to go to than it already had been. I broke down in tears for the first time today when I got a text asking if it would help. At least those were a break of gratitude tears.