Ugh, Plumbing
I tried to do a little drain maintenance today. It went great and was a total failure depending on which drain you look at.
The upstairs bathroom sinks are great. The shower in CK’s bathroom, the small en suite in our bedroom is “hers” and “mine” is hall one, won't drain.
We've had this happen once before, bit it wasn't a pandemic then. I guess this is something we'll be figuring out this week.
There was some miscommunication, which feels like failure sprinkles on top of my fiasco sundae.
I can't help but wonder that recent miscommunication is brought on by the imminent pandemiversary. At the very least it makes it all feel harder.
Unavoidable Grie f
CK and I watched the Perseverance lander arrive on Mars today, crowded on the sofa with both dogs and Ursa. It was so good to see and hear joy and excitement.
The rest of the day got hard. I caught up on email and saw news that a wisdom teacher died yesterday. She'd gone on hospice care a few weeks ago, so it wasn't unexpected. Still, it remains tender in a time that has taken so much already.
Then I saw the Enchanted Forest was hit hard by the ice storm, many attractions damaged by falling trees. They were already struggling due to COVID, the storm is another setback. I'm feeling sad for never insisting that CK go visit with me.
I know that nothing lasts, impermanence, etc.
The thing about grief is that it doesn't care about logic exercises on impermanence. The grief had to get integrated or it's ignored. Clinging to impermanence as a way to avoid grief doesn't relieve.
Pain is Tedious
My neck still is hurting a lot. Spiking with pain when I attempt to turn my head very far. It feels like it's wrapping around from the back to throttle my jaw and head.
I also am having allergy stuff; sneezing like heck. Part of my headache is from this, but the neck pain makes it all worse. The sneezing also messes with my neck, so it's become something of a pain loop.
It is boring and make being in the world harder. That's my starting starter most days from my lower back issues, whenever something else significantly hurts it always feels like adding insult to injury.
Ursa is sweet. Dinner turned out good and was simple. Mixed media paper notebooks showed up today. Three Valentine's Cake is happening Saturday.
Ghosts of Storms Part
We didn't lose power for long, but I've felt so turned about by it!
I have hazy memories of terrible winter storms during my childhood. Huddling under blankets, sleeping bags, and layers. Boiling water in pans to wash up dishes, teeth, and bodies. My Grandmother having some type of oil heater that was (supposedly) safe indoors to warm her manufactured home. Using the flat top to heat canned soup and boil water.
The memory of needing to heat water to do anything is so deep rooted that I always start to do this each time we've lost power here at the house. CK noted it over the weekend, that she reminds me we have hot water every time, usually after I've boiled water to do dishes. I don't even think to turn on the hot water, I just "know it's not there".
I was saying to CK that while I don't have specific trauma memories around storms, I also find it easy to assume that it was very stressful being trapped without heat, power, hot water, or easy ways to make food with a parent who time and time again took little to no responsibility and was unable to self-soothe. It was probably confusing, frightening, and physically uncomfortable.
That's enough. I don't need to hunt for terrible memories. If there's something that needs attention, that story will come up. I'm slowly learning to trust the process.
Power, Glorious Power
We got power back around 2pm. CK immediately got to work and I had a hard time focusing. I did manage to re-shovel walkways again which enabled me to take out kitchen trash and recycling. It was raining, so it might all be washed away by daylight.
I notice street lights are still out, so not all is back.
I nodded off in the IKEA Poang chair with the kitten. I think I've discovered something that messes up my neck; sleeping in the Poang! Between the shoveling and that, I'm pretty sore.
Power Outage
We lost power just as I was starting dinner. We reported the outage, turned on battery operated lamps, and I made a simple dinner. Then we continued our plan to play a tabletop game by camping lights.
Around the time I was going to search of thermal layers to wear power returned, around 8pm. The furnace kicked in and the house earned back up. CK also turned on the electric blanket to warm up the bed.
Then around 10:20 it went out again. As I write this there temperature is rising and there are occasional crashes as ice falls off trees and into the house.
Acquitted
It was a day that was careening a bit over individual and mutual grief over a pandemic that stretches onwards to summer as we're iced inside our home, going we don't lose power.
The the GOP acquitted T*. Just like they said they would.
I don't know why I'm so angry and despairing over something we knew was happening. The incomprehensible, incompetent, speedy defense was so for show since the Ghouls Only Party made up their minds to acquit.
My day has also been plagued by neck pain making it hard to turn my head and my right knee swelling for no reason I can recall.
Ice then snow then ice then snow, etc. meant no mail today. The Valentines I ordered should have arrived yesterday, but didn't. Now next week sometime. I'll save them for the belated cake we couldn't have this weekend because the bakery closed on account of snow.
Ursa offered uncomplicated nose boops and snuggles, thank goodness!
Ice Storm Cometh
Snow came in and we got a few inches! This evening it turned into freezing rain and it's been coming down for hours. The wind is also really bad, our power has flickered a few times.
I really hope we don't lose power. If we do, I'm grateful for our gas appliances that allow us to make tea and food. We even have gas fireplace insert we can use for some heat even though it's not super efficient.
I'm listening to freezing rain hit the house. Occasionally a gust of wind blows a branch into the house. It sounds like winter and I'm grateful to be warm inside.
Wall of F.I.N.E.
My Tuesday/Thursday classes are different, the students are more accepting of connection and philosophy. We've had a great discussion this week about being honest with people about how we're doing. I'm ultimately going to record a video about it, but this is a side note.
My friend HMP is open about using AA as a support for her life. She shared that she thinks in recovery people she knew would say "fine" stood for, "Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and egotistical".
I thought about this and said a better way to say it would be, "ego driven". There's a lot of behavior that covers besides arrogance.
It works well. When we're feeling any of those ways we put up walls to keep people from seeing what's going on.
"I'm fine.", we say to people.
It's a good reminder, what is not ok for us that a wall of FINE is going up?
Insomnia brought on by the usual mind stuff about this unsafe country and a brutal storm that's covering us in snow and ice. COVID and warming shelters; I hope people are safe.
Small Delights
My physical therapist encouraged me today to keep focused on the progress being made and reminded me that most countries are having fiascos around getting vaccines administered. Last month we'd compared gratitude practices and this is a kind of extension of that.
She mentioned it because of shared that I'm feeling down this month. It's just felt like so much, too much for too long. I'm sad and angry.
I'm also still practicing gratitude. I told her about the practice of small delights or wonders I've been sharing with students. Next week I'll share her suggestion about having a progress focus.
Today I'm grateful I could shop for the friend who's done it for me recently. The weather was sunny when I needed to wait outside before I could enter the store. There were only 2 people in line ahead of me to enter; there were over a dozen when I left! I found nearly everything both households wanted and a few, yummy extras.
I'm especially glad that CK slept through the night. I was hypervigilant, worried any move was her waking, but she rested! We repeated Tuesday night's order tonight; she hasn't woke up yet!
My special delight was being able to score the last loaf of walnut bread at Ken's Artisan Bakery, the best bread ever.