Like Words Together Reflections from the deep end of Practice.


60,000 in California Alone

Yesterday California reported over 60,000 new COVID cases. Part of 16,519,688 cases reported yesterday. Today California reported 100% capacity of ICU beds.

The cases because people were selfish about Thanksgiving haven’t even begun to hit us.

I’m going places this week and next. I’m making mistakes; I need more detailed lists! It feels so fraught to be around people even in my respirator mask. I’m restocking some things again.

Vaccines are arriving, being distributed. It will help eventually.

Right now it feels like too little, to late.

The T* Administration is holding up the distribution of the Pfizer vaccine. Millions of doses sit in warehouses.


Unhappy Mail

I received a letter today I have every reason to believe to be unpleasant. The writing of this letter was triggered by one I had sent. In response to my letter, the writer quickly wrote his response and mailed it out the same day he'd received my letter. I shook my head at this since writing my own letter took a few weeks of effort.

The letter, the response composed within a few hours, perhaps minutes, after reading mine, sits unopened on our dining room table while I decide it's fate.

The same day it arrived the writer of this letter found a place to live to go with the job he does onboarding for this Wednesday. Oddly enough, my letter suggested both of these actions as a way to salvage a friendship.

The friendship is gone. I've been seen as taking sides and I'm sure am lumped into the category of "worthless friends" he was recently complaining about.

I have begun to believe that nearly all straight, white, cisgendered men are one breakup away from becoming outright abusers.

I'm pretty sad about it.



This morning I found out a friend has COVID. A good friend I've had a relationship with for close to 30 years! A friend who is at high risk for Long COVID fallout, who has a yet to be fully understood heart condition.

A friend who was by for a visit 20 days ago. She's roughly 10 days into it and the most likely contact point was from someone who'd isolated, tested negative, and came down from Seattle to visit after she had seen me. She's very mildly affected, in large part because she's been so diligent about isolating and wearing a mask.

It was a driveway visit and I wore my respirator/mask combo, but it is still the closest exposure I know about. It rather upset my apple cart, as CK says. That's on top of a truly lousy trauma body freakout the night before.

This led to me not being as prepared as I like to be for my Saturday Yoga of Freedom class. I wanted to talk more in depth about Larry Ward, but I just didn't have it in me.

So I talked about all this and less about Larry Ward's work. I still included it and I focused the physical practice on how to care for knees, since a friend who comes regularly has been having a lot of knee pain all week. It was a small group of students, so it worked. We all felt the support of community.

This all helped me, although I've felt significantly tired all day long. We're going to press hard tomorrow to get several things prepared for me to mail on Monday. I'm very aware of how late it is and how much I want to do tomorrow!


Body Freakout

It happened. It was only a matter of time. Someone peed on the new sofa.

Dora is getting a little incontinent as she ages and this shows up when she either gets so relaxed that she just releases or she licks too much when she's needing to go. Anyway, she was snuggled up against me while I played on our Switch. When she got up to investigate what CK was doing in the kitchen I was suddenly very cold!

Upon inspection there was urine on the sofa and along my side! We dealt with it quickly, but as I came to realize how much urine was on me I began to feel really anxious.

Buy the time I got into the shower it felt like the area that was affected was so gross. I felt shaky and it seemed like I couldn't get the affected skin to warm up or feel clean. I was flooded with the maelstrom energy from the therapy session.

When I got out i explained to CK what I was experiencing. She asked what would help then went to turn on the kettle and brought be back fleece to put on. After some ginger tea and digestive biscuits I'm starting to feel like I can make art.

What a perfectly miserable way to end the week. I'm staying focused on how supportive CK was, how I articulated what was happening, asked how grateful I am she turned up the thermostat for the water heater! I'm also grateful for the long cat and all his shenanigans.

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The Red House

A Black family is being evicted after a long, fraught journey with the housing courts and criminal courts. Protestors have surrounded the house with barricades and have so far kept police at Bay.

It's a public face to the crises of evictions happening all over, and an especially complex story. I'm trying to read what activists after writing about it all, especially at how Black people are expected to turn to systems that have repeatedly betrayed them.

The eviction crises is bringing up some lingering sadness. I can tell the memories of my own experience of eviction and homelessness aren't flaring to life, only the grief remains like a cinder with a little glow of fire left.

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Unsolicited Diet Propaganda

Today an order of supplements arrived for us. The red rice yeast compound I take that's a precursor to statins I'm taking to address my cholesterol and a new formulation of zinc that should be easier on CK's digestive system. Great!

Given it was 2 pill bottles the box was very large and heavy. Inside, carefully packed in a plastic bag and under plastic pillows, was a complimentary copy of The Longevity Diet.

Yes, there lurking under stuff we need, a book promoting fasting. Diet Culture propaganda from the Wellness Industrial Complex.

I was so grossed out by this unsolicited material. Like Diet Culture aren't a dick pic to me!

I ultimately hurled it into the garage. I'll grab it and put it with the other diet books I've boxed up. I'll be writing a letter to the company; give me free shipping for fuck's sake, don't send me propaganda.

Not the way to start the morning after trauma therapy. I'm sure that made it feel all the more disgusting.

I wanted to do more today, but I ended up laying down after lunch under my weighted blanket. Yesterday's session has left me feeling especially drained and wrung out.

Ursa napped with me and Bertie. It's the first time he's done this and it was just what I needed.


The More I Know

Some days I think I've uncovered all the things I'm angry at my Mother about. Then I start to unpack another memory that feeds my false belief that I'm so profoundly toxic that it makes sense that everyone leaves me. I'm not worthy of real love because I'm terrible.

On days like that I wish she was still alive so I could rage at her. There is part of me that feels really angry that I don't get to really tell off any of these terrible people in my childhood. They're all dead.

The best revenge is living well, so they say. I guess that's why I do this ugly work of letting these memories out so that I can integrate them.

⚠️Content Warning: Child Sexual Abuse, Neglect, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse.⚠️

⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️

⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️

⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️

⚠️Content Warning: Child Abuse⚠️

Age Six Sherri believed it didn't matter what happened to her. She was that worthless; she believed her Mother who told her over and over that she ruined everything. Whenever things went wrong, it was always Sherri's fault somehow. She got into everything and didn't respect her Mother's personal property. She talked too much and was too nosey. She got what was coming to her.

Two sessions in with this memory and I know that I was sexually abused over a period of weeks, months. My Mother was alerted to it by a doctor, possibly even school. She totally denied it could be possible in any way and fabricated the notion that I wasn't fastidious about my hygiene. She regularly left me home alone at night to go on dates and I was home alone after school.

I was SIX.

I wish she was alive so I could rage at her.

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Secret Santa Stuff

Today I got the names of the people I'm sending a holiday card to and a Secret Santa gift to through the Reddit Secret Santa. It's been such a lousy year, and it's been pretty delightful to surprise people with cards, so I signed up.

CK thought about doing it too, but was feeling like too much is going on for her. It's really busy at work for her, in a good way, but she didn't want to add something else to her stack.

I suggested that she help me make sure I send an awesome gift out, that we could share in the fun. We both liked this idea a lot!

Today's match put me with a younger Dad, with 5 kids, who loves Magic the Gathering! This is CK's favorite game, one we play a lot together. I sent some questions CK suggested to him to help us pick a gift.

Our ornaments for 2020 arrived today too, bringing us a lot of delight.

In the meantime a 37 year-old died in Multnomah Country today. Two days after testing positive for COVID. They were asymptomatic. I begin to think that we'll still be doing the sheltering in place well into spring of 2021.

People were unable to stay home for Halloween or Thanksgiving. They won't for Christmas and New Year's either.


Kitten Hijinks

Having a night where no title occurs to me so I'm noting something that's bringing joy to the darkening days as we get closer to winter. He's sitting in my lap purring loudly.

It was a day full of chores, video creation, and newsletter production. Plus making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen. It's always nice you start the week cleaned up.

I say that while in my head my Inner Jerk, "Whinnie", is telling me what a failure I am as a housekeeper. Yep, she's still around.


Jerk Feels

My brain decided I'm a jerk tonight because playing Magic with CK was frustrating. That's after feeling terrible dread about the Collage Guild online party.

The party was great. It all mostly went as planned. We got through my frustrations and after trying something new tomorrow. I made awesome soup for dinner.

I feel like I've been rubbed by sandpaper all day. All this is connected, I know, but it still feels like too much and made my stomach unhappy.